Five more days and I’m headed to Paris for the week of Thanksgiving. A real vacation after a really long time. One that involves leaving the continent and a foreign language which I don’t speak. The last time I had a real vacation was a little over a year ago when I spent a few days in DC hanging out with Matt Henry and saying au revoir to the Bush Administration. So other than a few long weekends here and there, and a Fawntastic wedding weekend in Chicago, I haven’t had much vacation since September 2008.

Haven’t thought about what I’m going to do or what I’m going to see. All I think about is eating my way through Paris. Crepes. Baguettes. Lots and lots of cheese. And lots and lots of dishes with foie gras. If I see the words “foie gras” on the menu and I don’t recognize any other words in the menu, that’s what I’ll have.

So after a year of no rest, I get to take a break from it all. No deadlines. No alarm clocks. No driving in traffic in LA. No email. And no TV.

Just a week by myself, in Paris, in the company of French food and wine and maybe some French men on the side.

It’s been three very long months since my last dinner at Ludo Bites and another month to go until my next one. Since my first dinner at Ludo Bites I’ve pretty much become obsessed with the food. Not exaggerating, but it’s the best food I have ever had. Don’t know how to explain it but never before have I had food that I obsess about for days and weeks after. If I could, I would have dinner at Ludo Bites every single day.

And now it’s back, for 13 magical days in December. The minute I found out — from following Chef Ludo and his wonderful wife Krissy on Twitter — I went online and made two reservations. When I decided to look at my calendar and see when I could snag a third reservation they were no longer taking reservation requests.

My two dates for the two reservations are Laura and Melissa, the two people who got to experience Ludo Bites with me the first time around. When Melissa found out about my reservations she decided she’s going to schedule her Christmas trip to upstate New York around my reservation so she can be my date to Ludo Bites on Monday night. And her words were “Maybe we can spend some time to catch up on Sunday, because after dinner on Monday I won’t be able to talk about anything but the food.” That’s how good the food is.

I hope that one day, Ludo Bites finds a good permanent space or a space for longer stays. But until then, I’ll get my Ludo Bites fix in December and hope it sustains me until it pops up again.

Saturday I was suffering from a temporary case of insanity, hangover from few too many vodka drinks and an anti-oxidant rich pomegranate margarita, and upset stomach from bacon-wrapped hot dog for dessert devoured at 3 am. That’s the only reason I can explain why I decided to go through with canceling cable. I called Time Warner and explained to the nice lady that I have decided to cancel my cable. She seemed surprised, since I had a pretty good deal. For about $45 bucks I had basic cable package with a lot of channels I didn’t watch, Showtime, and DVR. I spend more than that on sushi for lunch. She thought I was nuts for canceling. But, I was motivated to cancel my cable and end my addiction to hours and hours of mindless TV.

I thought after calling there would be a few days before cable would get disconnected but this is one area where Time Warner responds very fast. While I was still on the phone with the nice lady, cable got disconnected. Just like that. One minute I’m flipping channels between Food Network, HGTV and Bravo and next minute I’m staring at a blue screen of emptiness.

That’s when reality set in. Shit. It’s Saturday. I have a hangover. No motivation to go out and socialize. And now, NO CABLE!!! What am I going to do with myself? I had wanted to cancel cable for number of reasons. I thought I would go to the gym more. Read more. Socialize more. But I was wrong. The only thing I started doing was surfing the web MORE in search of watching TV shows to watch online. I watched the entire first season of Californication on Netflix, thanks to my roommate’s account, instead of going out with a young, good looking, 22 yr old. That was not a good decision.

Another bad decision was my timing. I mean the colder LA days are ahead with temperatures in the high 60s. A few more episodes to go until the season of Mad Men. And I am sitting in my living room staring at the TV that no longer broadcasts my Bravo and AMC. I called Time Warner back on Sunday to get cable again but my special deal is no longer available and I refuse to pay almost $70 for the same thing. Now it’s about the principle. And my friends are divided into the Yes and No cable camps. My BFF Laura even offered to pay for the difference but I refused. Out of principle. So now I’m watching basic channels. This is painful. More painful than the 4+ hrs spent in the dentist’s chair today getting crowns on 2 teeth. I’m going to see how much longer I can go…

President Obama!

That’s right. Nine months in the office, no real accomplishments, still fighting two wars, and he gets a Nobel Peace Prize. Wow. This must have been a very slow year for the Nobel Peace Prize committee. Were there no other available candidates in the peace pool? Did someone at the Nobel committee get the words “hope “and “peace” confused?

I get it. Most of the world is very happy that Obama won. I’m guessing that less people hate Americans because Obama won. Without any statistical evidence to back me up, I can even go as far as to say that the Muslim world hates the United States a little less just because Obama won.

I’ve got news people, HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING THAT ADVANCES THE PEACE PROCESS. NOTHING! We still have troops in Iraq and Afghanistan fighting who knows what. Bin Ladin is still out there. We still haven’t been able to capture a terrorist who needs a dialysis machine 3 days a week to stay alive. And there are those who claim that Bin Ladin is already dead, but we’re still trying to find him. Oh wait. Are we still trying to find him? When was the last time his name even came up in any news reports.

But, that’s besides the point. Apparently, you can win the Nobel Peace Prize just for having the potential to bring peace… hopefully. Sure, you can backtrack on the campaign promise to recognize the Armenian Genocide (the one where a 1.5 million Armenians were killed by the Ottoman Turks), but somehow you can still go on to win the peace prize. I think if you turn a blind eye towards genocide, you don’t deserve a peace prize.

I got into a heated argument with one of my friends because I had the nerve to question the merits of Obama winning the Peace Prize.I had the audacity to criticize my president. A president who I voted for. Seems like just because I’m a liberal democrat, and I voted for a democrat, that means I’m not supposed to criticize someone in my own party. Just because he’s full of hope and vision for peace. The same people who have a problem with me for criticizing the president, also had a problem when a huge portion of the electorate – the ones who voted for Bush – didn’t criticize the President. And they don’t see the irony…

I want someone to tell me what President Obama has done in the last 9 months that was a step in the direction towards achieving peace. The Israelis and Palestinians still hate each other. We are fighting two wars in the middle east. You won’t recognize the Armenian genocide. And you get a peace prize. Looks like the bar for the Nobel Peace Prize has been lowered…

And someone please tell me what happened to President Clinton’s Peace Prize. Now that’s a President deserving of one.

I hope that the President uses the “Peace Prize retainer” to actually do something that warrants the prize. Because in his first 9 months, he hasn’t done anything that merits this. Sure, he broke through a lot of barriers to get into the office but he still has a way to go to actually earn a peace prize.

Despite the recent pouring men season, with so many phone calls from so many area codes, I’ve had very little interest in returning these phone calls. So, if any guy wants to know why a girl is not calling him back, here are some reasons…

Reason #7: I was intoxicated when I gave you my phone number. Here’s the deal, if I gave you my number when I was really drunk 1) chances are we were at a bar and the likelihood of anything long-term developing from a bar hookup is slim to non and 2) chances are I wouldn’t have given you my number had I been sober. Had I been sober I probably wouldn’t have been making out with you either. But I was, and I did and now I’m sober and I won’t return your phone call.

Reason #6: I don’t find you attractive. I’m sorry to hurt your feelings, but if I don’t find you attractive that means I don’t want to see you naked. Ever. It’s not because I don’t like nice guys. It’s not because I’m scared of a commitment. I just don’t see us getting it on. No chemistry = no phone call.

Reason #5: I’ve dated your friend. Normally this isn’t a big problem. I have dated brothers from the same household. And I’m still good friends with both brothers. However, I am NOT friends with your friend and I don’t want to date you either. I just don’t want drama that’s easily avoidable.

Reason #4: I don’t see you as an equal. To be more specific, we’re in two different places in life. I’m further ahead in my career and make a good living. You’re at the very bottom of the ladder and still figuring things out. You don’t have to earn more than me, but the substantial income gap puts a certain type of pressure on me. I don’t want to feel guilty about you paying for a meal occasionally. I don’t want to go to your apartment because it feels like a college dorm and I feel like taking a shower after leaving your place (because it feels like a dirty college dorm). I don’t want to feel guilty about my nice living environment. I’ve worked very hard for all that I’ve accomplished so far. I want to enjoy the nicer things in life, and it’s not going to happen given our different socio-economic situations. If we’re in the same age range and have two very different lifestyles, it’s probably not going to work out.

Reason #3: We have different schedules. This happens a lot since I live in LA and so many of the creative types — actors, musicians, waiters — don’t have the typical Mon-Fri morning/evening schedules. So they want to go out late at night during the week, stay up late. I can’t do this because I have a job – with health benefits – to go to in the morning. And you can sleep in until 2pm.

Reason #2: Our friends. This means a few different things. 1) I just don’t think you’ll fit in with my social circle. 2) I don’t see myself spending time with your group of friends. 3) You don’t have a social circle and I don’t want to give you mine.

Reason #1: I’m just not that into you. There’s nothing wrong with you, or maybe there’s combination of all of the above, but at the end of the day, when I look at you I just don’t see a future. So why waste our time. Good luck to you with your future endeavors.

That’s all!

Oh wait… I have a bonus one.

Reason #8: You left me a lame message. A few weeks ago I met a guy at a wine bar. He was outside in the patio chatting up some of my friends. When I went outside to meet up with my friends, he started chatting and couldn’t take his eyes off me. (Not being conceited here, just stating the truth). He asked for my phone number and he was really excited when I gave it to him. He said he couldn’t wait to call me and take me out because he really wants to get to know me (his words). So he calls me 3 days later and leaves a message that goes something like… “Hi Eliza. This is Jeff. We met on Thursday, at the Cork Bar. I was wondering if you want to meet up for coffee, tea or cocktail. Call me back 323-xxx-xxxx.” Dear Jeff, you are in your late 30s, and if your idea of taking me out on a date is coffee, tea or cocktail, I’m so not into you. Especially when you couldn’t wait to take me out and impress me. I don’t do liquid dates. If the homeless guy I went out with can take me on a lunch date, you can spend a few extra bucks for lunch. Oh, and you also didn’t win any points when my friends told me you had casually mentioned the brand of car you drive in the conversation. That is a major turnoff.

I’m a big fan of meat and all I want is some prime quality meat. After many years of tasting meat, I have developed a certain palate. I can tell when a select piece of meat is trying to pass itself off as prime. I know how I like my meat. I like my meat tender, and young, and full of texture. I like it with marbling and full of flavor. What I don’t like is meat that’s coarse, lacks the marbling, doesn’t have flavor, but tries to dress itself up with enough seasoning to pass off as prime. Lately, I feel like I’m in a meat market and all the prime cuts are gone and all that are left are some select pieces, with barely enough marbling to satisfy me. There are not even any choice pieces left but then again, I know my meat and I’m not willing to settle for choice or select when I’m looking for prime.

So there… I said it. If you’re wondering why I haven’t picked you up and taken you home, it’s because I know you’re not the prime piece of meat I’m looking for. Or to put it more bluntly, the reason I haven’t returned your phone call, it’s because you’re not the quality I’m looking for. Maybe for a split second I though you were. Sometimes vodka confuses my palate. With enough vodka in my system, I might be fooled. But once the alcohol disappears and all my senses are back, you stand no chance.

After spending half the day in Disneyland on Saturday, I was feeling an urgent need to spend some time around adults. I ended up at a friend’s BBQ in Downtown, where it was mostly a new crowd, a lot of people who I don’t know.

My friend who was having a BBQ had a whole bunch of friends visiting him from DC-area. The male to female ratio at this party was about 10:1, totally in my favor, except that out of all the guys at the party, there were only couple that I found attractive. One was someone I had already had a drunken make-out session with (a long time ago) and another guy was one of his DC-area friends visiting. Let’s call him DC-dude.

So after the BBQ, and after watching the USC-Ohio St game, everyone decides to go out to a club in Hollywood, which has the highest concentration of the “LA” clubs, the ones that get the most celebs and paparazzi. One of the guys in the group, a DC guy living in LA – let’s call him Zen – has the hookup at Bardot and can get everyone in. Zen and his wife Nam are two of my new favorite people. Very hot and stylish and both really awesome dancers. Anyway… getting a a group of 10+ guys in at Bardot at a last minute on a Saturday night is a small miracle, since 1) Bardot is high up in the LA nightclub pecking order and 2) it’s impossible for a group of 10+ guys to go to a club without the appropriate number of girls in the group. And there were only 3 girls in this group, too low for a group of 10 guys. On the other hand, one of the advantages of being a woman is that the same nightclub rules don’t apply. I can pretty much go anywhere, guest list or no guest list. My rule is, “God did not give me a vagina to stand in lines.” And I live with this rule. If you’re nice to bouncers, and look decent, you can get into any club… if you have a vagina.

Anyway, we get into Bardot which is pretty fabulous, the music is awesome, and the the DC-dude is totally flirting.  I’m flirting right back.  We start dancing and he’s a pretty good dancer. Which says a lot because I’m a really good dancer and takes some skills to keep up with me on the dance floor… or off. After dancing a while we sit down and at one point I glance at his left hand and see a ring on his wedding finger. Interesting. The way he’s been flirting, it never occurred to me that he might not be single, yet alone married. Until I saw the ring on his finger.

So I’m sitting and chatting with someone in the group and DC-dude grabs my hand and leads me away from the table and towards the stairs. I’m playing along out of curiosity to see how far he thinks he’s going to take this. We get to a semi-private area, and he tries to kiss me. I pull back and I ask him, “What’s up with the ring on your finger? Are you married?” He says, “Yes.” I reply, “Sorry, married men are a total turn off,” and I walk away.

I go back to the table, and one of his friends — who’s very nice and sweet, let’s call him sweet-DC-dude — is trying to make conversation while I’m deep in thoughts still processing the vodka tonics and the advances of married DC-dude. He wants to know what I’m thinking about. Ugh. I hate when anyone asks me what I’m thinking about when I’m silent. Usually I really want to say “None of your damn business” but the guy is sweet, and I don’t want to be mean so I say “people.” Trying to keep it very general, so he takes the hint and leaves me alone with my vodka tonic. But he doesn’t take the hint and wants me to get more specific about the broad topic of “people.”  I tell him, I’m thinking about why people cheat. I can tell that the sweet-DC-dude knows that I’m talking about his friend. He tells me they cheat for a few different reasons… 1) they’re unhappy 2)they’re bored and 3) they want to see if they can get away with it. Not sure which reason was the motivation for his friend’s behavior — I’m guessing reasons #2 and #3 — but I really don’t care. Out of respect to the other woman, I won’t have anything to do with a guy who’s unavailable, especially a married guy.

So I go back to the dance floor, and I’m getting my dance on with a hot Euro guy. Swedish I think. A really awesome dancer. Meanwhile DC-dude is still dancing around me, while I’m dancing with the hot Swede. Swede leaves the dance floor and DC-dude is once again dancing with me. While I’m dancing, the DC dude’s friend, let’s call him DC-fatty, is trying to dance with me too and getting a little uncomfortably too close. Uncomfortable because 1) he’s unattractive and 2) fat and 3) keeps wanting to dance too close while I’m trying to dance with another one of Swede’s friends on the dance floor. So I ask the other Swede if he wants to dance because I know he wants to. We had been giving each other looks while the DC-fatty has been trying to dance all over me. So I push the DC-fatty away and he turns around and says to me “I see you’re hung up on the married guy.” Excuse me? WTF? No dude. I’m just not into dancing with you especially when there’s another hot Swede near me who I could dance with. You’re not attractive, you’re killing my game and just because I unknowingly flirted earlier with your good looking married friend, does not mean I’m chasing after your friend and am so desperate that you have a chance. I wish I had said this to him but the music was loud, it wasn’t worth my energy and I had a hot Swede waiting to dance with me.

And then it was time to go. It was 2 a.m. and I ended up in a cab with Zen and Nam, to go 2 blocks from Bardot to Playhouse, another place where Zen’s magical powers got us into. After 10 minutes at Playhouse, I had to admit to myself that dancing and walking in 5 inch heels for the past 5 hours had left me so exhausted that I couldn’t take another step. I leave Playhouse and decide to walk back home. Bad mistake. Not because it’s 2:30 a.m and I’m walking home alone in Hollywood, but because my feet hurt so bad that I really can’t take another step and I’m not seeing any empty cabs on Wilcox. And then, just when I’m about to collapse, a tow truck pulls up and ends up towing me home in my 5 inch heels.

Oh, and USC beat Ohio St. That’s right. Go Trojans!!!!

You promised you weren’t like the others. That you were different. To give you a chance. You said you’d keep your promises. I didn’t believe at first. I’d heard this before. But you said you were different. Not like the others. And you said this over and over again. I even have evidence… I can play replay. And eventually I started to believe. I started to like you. Little by little you won me over.

And now you’re breaking my heart. Like the other politicians. I voted for you because you made me believe in change.

I’m getting more of the same… just in a different package.

About 8 months ago, December 15 to be exact,  I got a picture message of a nice, big sparkling diamond ring from Fawn. Matt, a Houston conservative with a heart of gold, yet some misguided positions in religion and politics, had proposed to Fawn, a Chicago liberal. And 8 months later, in bridesmaid gear, I got to witness the union of Fawn and Matt.

The wedding was Fawntastic. Fawn looked gorgeous.  This of course was not a big surprise, since Fawn is already gorgeous, and smart, and really funny. But she was wearing a stunning dress, which took 300 young seamstresses working 24-7 for 8 months to create… with all the intricate beading and all. Pictures to follow…

And here are just some of the things I did (or did not do) out of my love for Fawn, who is truly one of the most amazing people I know …

• I did NOT make political jokes at the rehearsal dinner. I kept my toast short, and sweet, and sentimental… and it took every ounce of restraint not to make any politically incorrect jokes. The groom’s family is pretty darn conservative. The bride’s family is pretty liberal. But I wanted to make sure that the bride’s side was well represented in the speech-making. And after 5 vodka-tonics in less than an hour and seeing Matt** heading to the podium, I got the (liquid) courage to get up there and give my speech.
• I did NOT take advantage of the 19yr old cousin of the groom… I could have. But at one point he called me ma’am and that was a turn off. Oh, and the 19yr old cousin looked just like Rusty Cartwright from Greek. Pictures to follow.
• I did better than expected during the 3 hr-long Catholic wedding ceremony. Which was beautiful, but longer than the 30 minute Armenian weddings that I’m used to. Armenian weddings take less than 30 minutes because everyone can’t wait to get to the reception and start eating. Speaking of eating, I ate a wafer during the church ceremony. Apparently, in Catholic ceremony this means I took a holy communion. But I was hungry and it looked like carbs. So when the bridal party was heading towards to priest to either take the wafer, or keeping going (part of the ceremony), I opened my mouth and he placed the wafer in my mouth.  Then I sat down and saw everyone else going up there to take the holy wafer and noticed that everyone else was holding their hand out and the priest was placing the wafer in the hand. I opened my mouth and had the priest put the wafer in my mouth.  Ooops!!!
• I did not do anything inappropriate with any of the groomsmen.
• I did dance with at least 3 groomsmen, 6 bridesmaids, mother of the bride, and the mother of the groom. (My darling Selima, thanks for being my first dance).
• I did A LOT of dancing. And big props to the groom’s mother who was a dancing queen also. She had great moves and was on the dance floor until the very end.

Fawn, I wish you and Matt a lifetime of happiness and lots of smart, sarcastic, liberal kids.

** Fawn has been blessed with two Matts in her life. The first one is her BFF from college. He is Matt H. I met Matt H at a Christmas 5-6 years ago, when he was Fawn’s date. It was love at first sight. He was drinking Coronas all night, I was drinking vodka tonics, we were discussing celebrity gossip. We have been friends every since. The second Matt is Matt G. The one she just married. So throughout the wedding, every time someone said Matt in a speech, my brain would first think of Matt H then remind me that they were talking about Matt G, the groom. So that’s the story on the 2 Matts.

About a month or so ago, I was watching Top Chef Masters — which I’m undecided about — and this particular episode featured Ludo Lefebvre as one of the competing master chefs. I’d heard his name before (because I love to read restaurant reviews), I just never realized how young, and hot, he is. So after seeing the episode, I had a dream about Ludo’s food. I must have been hungry because I can’t remember the last time I was dreaming about food.

After I had my dream, I shared this with the world (Facebook) and my BFF Laura told me that Chef Ludo is currently featuring his Ludo Bites concept at Bread Bar. He and his crew go to a restaurant that only serves breakfast and lunch and take over the dinner service. He’s featuring Ludo Bites at Bread Bar until Aug. 22.  So Laura and I decided to have one of our monthly dinner dates at Ludo Bites.  And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Ludo’s food since then…

Here’s the deal, when a chef is that hot, he doesn’t even need to know how to cook. He could serve burnt toast and he’d have customers return. But, in addition to being even more handsome in person, Chef Ludo’s food was incredible. Laura and I don’t agree on much — we’ve been arguing about politics since our first poli sci class in college — but we both couldn’t stop gushing about the food. I’ve been to Ludo Bites twice in two weeks and can’t stop thinking about it. Now I’m trying to squeeze in one more trip to Ludo Bites between now and August 17. (I’ll be going on a diet from Aug. 18-28 until Fawn’s wedding.)

So here are some of the dishes I’ve had during my two visits to Ludo Bites

• chorizo, cantaloupe, cornichon
• green bean salad, peach, coconut, apple, horseradish & lemongrass
• heirloom tomato salad, red onions, feta mousse, olive powder
• bacon tart, almond, cinnamon, brown butter chantilly
• lobster medallions, honey-sherry vinegar vinaigrette, daikon, rosemary
• foie gras black croque-monsieur, ham, cherry, amaretto (my absolute favorite!)
• creamy polenta, cantal cheese, oxtail beef, black truffle
• creme fraiche panna cotta, caramel, caviar (made me get over my hatred of caviar*)
• chocolate cup cake, foie gras chantilly, candied bacon-almonds, maple syrup
• organic strawberry, wasabi-marcaspone, pistachio parfait

My second trip to Ludo Bites was with my friend Melissa (former roommate), who even tried the politically incorrect – yet heavenly – foie gras. So, now I’m obsessed. I need to have Ludo’s food every day, yet I know it’s not feasible due to economic and dietary restrictions. I mean I would happily eat 2,000+ calories of Ludo’s food for dinner every day, but I live in LA where it’s criminal to be over size 6. And sadly, I can’t afford to eat this every day. Maybe I should start dating more and now, I’ll tell my dates to take me to Ludo instead of sushi.

So I’m just throwing this out in the universe… “Looking for smart, attractive, sarcastic, over 5′10, fit, politically incorrect… male preferred, who will take me to Ludo Bites on our first date, and learn how to make the foie gras croque monseur in an effort to capture my heart.”